When I had finished my tale of Mel
The bartender exclaimed, "Dear Lord, how true!
There is no
need for violence and strife.
But try to tell that to my vengeful
She bubbles up with fury night and day,
And God help those who
stumble in her way!
She's got a mouth to make a whore blush
paints all with the same thick, jaundiced brush.
I've anger issues,
too, and so I'll try
That five-step plan Pru spoke of. Me oh my!
I could have a wife like her, I'd be
As calm and patient as a windless
"But, Guru, now it's your turn. You must know
A tale that
might with vim and vigor go
To places we would relish, and where
Might have a bit of fun vicariously.
I bet you've bedded plenty,
and known more
Whom you could show what your sweet stick is
You've got a Jesus face. What woman could
Resist that? Though I
know a few who should!
But on with it! Let's hear a merry
"Well, then," the guru said. "My turn to fail.
would rather teach than entertain,
And by example make some precepts
"Forgive me," said the bartender. "You're right.
tale you want. I ought not slight
Anyone here who does the best he
"Thank you," the guru said, and thus began.
Many there have been whose rise and
Old men have used as cautionary tales,
applicable to all,
Examples of how greatness ever fails,
ever into fierce wind sails.
Pride is the chief subject of these
As boasts of power turn to wounded wails,
sinners turn towards Heaven's glories.
What bullshit! Heaven's
here, as many know,
And fortune is a consequence of mind.
at these examples, and I'll show
An energy of quite a different
As you and I leave groveling behind.
The secret of success is
What you want is given, sealed and signed,
you have will enough, and fire.
First, Lucifer, that prototype of
Rebelling against God, his given master:
Can we call, the
His banishment to Hell a pure disaster?
powers as a ruler were far vaster
Than those of some sly sycophant in
Who every moment hides what he is after:
Lying is his daily
bread and leaven.
And he got what he wanted, as we see
legend and from common sense. More fall
Under his rule than might hope
Saved for Heaven, if such there be at all.
Nor did he ever
repent, as I recall,
Happy in his kingdom, more than equal
since he keeps more of us in thrall,
As all can read who study well the
Adam, too, got just what he most wanted,
As all do,
whether or not they want to know.
Like Lucifer, every moment he was
By thoughts he could not put away or show.
He wanted to know
good and evil, so
He did it in the only way he could:
By doing evil,
so that he could grow,
And be, like anyone, both bad and
Next, look at Samson, that guru with long hair,
it was to foil his enemies
And save his people, dependent on his
From those who would their promised birthright seize.
got what would his heart most please:
The spot to maximize his strength
Right in their temple, strategically to squeeze
pillars, and thus all those Gazans kill.
And Hercules? The Monk in
He died an awful death, and so he did.
But older than
the skullcap and the fez
Is what the rabid monotheists hid --
and healthy world, where gods might 'mid
Us live and love. What
Hercules most desired
Was to be immortal, as Apollo bid,
And so he
joined the god who had him sired.
Of Nebuchadnezzar and of his
Much is made of their long fall from grace.
But I have doubts
that I'd find anyone
Who would not for one moment take their
And have ten thousand virgins to embrace.
What better fate
for any virile man
Than to sow genes by millions, as we
Through DNA the sons of Ghenghis Khan?
Of Caesar and of
Together now I tell the happy tale.
Though both died
young and violently, I'm loathe
To mourn them. For did either of them
Both were heroes, hearty, strong, and hale,
Who felt the joys
of victory course through
Them like hosannas! What red-blooded
Would not die young to know what these two knew?