THE WIFE'S TALE
A MODERN
ADAPTATION OF THE WIFE OF BATH'S TALE FROM CHAUCER'S CANTERBURY TALES
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THE WIFE'S PROLOGUE "I've had more husbands than I can
remember, THE WIFE'S TALE "What Men Want Most in a Wife," a
reality show, Enlisted lovely women who would go All over the world on camera asking men What they most wanted in a wife, and then Bring back the answer that would be their choice, After which the public had a voice, Voting for the answer they thought right. The prize, ten million dollars, though it might Seem large, was not all that the contest offered: The winner won a date with Simon Crawford, The richest man in the world, on which she could Try to get him hooked, a prize that would Be worth a hundred billion, perhaps more, Though the show had a surprise in store, Which by the by you shall be told. For now, Let's follow Nancy Lasker, and see how She fared. Nancy was a pretty girl, The type whose short loose skirt was wont to swirl In a breeze, revealing lovely thighs, The kind that drew like lodestones longing eyes. Ah, Nancy! Not so smart, nor much aware Of what a profit center she had there! For seven weeks, with others on the show, She asked men what nobody seemed to know. Some said they wanted beauty, some said love. Some said maternal instinct most would move Their hearts; others, red-hot sex galore. Some looked for religion, some were more Material and wanted a large dowry, While others simply wanted Nancy. Flowery Praises heaped on her quite turned her head. Yet she'd have given all to have instead Just one opinion she could then bring back To offer to the public. Alas, alack! She was less sure than ever in her life About what most men wanted in a wife. Heading back to the studio, she passed A beggar on the sidewalk, about the last Person she would think might help her out. He was an ugly, filthy, smelly lout With unkempt hair and beard, and yet he stared Right at her, as she wondered how he dared To think that he could look at her like that. And then, quick as a young and healthy cat, He was in front of her, blocking her way. "You have, I know, no notion what to say," He said to her. "In just an hour or so You'll have to choose --" "How could you now know?" She asked, astonished. "I know the winning answer," He said. And lithe and graceful as a dancer He came up to her ear. "I'll whisper it, And guarantee you'll win in just a bit, But first you must promise to marry me!" "You?" She said, incredulous. "Marry you?" He nodded. "For ten million?" he asked. "Why not? I have something you want an awful lot! It's just a business transaction, nothing more." Well, she thought. How strange! But still, she saw The logic in his reasoning. She had Little to lose if he were simply mad And whispered gibberish into her ear. "OK," she said. "Providing what I hear, I use, and win the contest. It's a deal." "You'll win," he said, "for sure. And just to seal --" "I won't kiss you!" she said. "Let's just shake hands." And so they did. So what if he demands His prize? she thought. I need not give it him. I'll simply pay him off if I should win. And so he put his lips right to her ear, And whispered the right choice, as you shall hear. Off she went into the studio And was made up and costumed for the show. Each contestant then was asked to say What quality she chose, without delay. "Beauty," said one. "Great sex," declared another, "Adoration," "love ," "a second mother." When it was Nancy's turn, she said the thing The beggar had told her, which had the proper ring: "All people want the same thing -- girl or boy: Someone who finds joy in others' joy." Why yes, of course! the audience almost gasped. How simple! How obvious! And when at last The public voted yes, that Nancy was right, She won the contest. Later on that night, She went to see the beggar, who was waiting. "You came!" he said. "It's time that we were mating! I have a judge all ready right nearby." But Nancy, quite upset, began to cry. "I'm sorry," she said. "I can't go through with it. I'll pay you what you ask -- don't throw a fit!" "You promised!" he yelled. "You gave your word! Now why Should I give up my rights because you cry? You got what you wanted! I'll get mine! That's only fair, regardless how you whine!" "Ten million!" she offered. "All! Please take it all! Less taxes, of course." And then began to bawl: "I'll never marry someone I don't love!" "What crap! As I can very readily prove. You'd marry Simon Crawford tonight, I'll bet, Even though you two have never met! But now you'll have to unschedule that date Since you'll be married to a jealous mate. "Let me clue you in, my clueless honey: I marry for the sex, you for the money. You got your money, now I want my sex Morning, noon, and night! Let's clear the decks! "You see that long, low building over there? Go in, and up a cast-iron flight of stairs. Open the door at the top, and there's a room In which you'll have to wait to meet your groom. Now, go! I'll get the judge, and then we'll do What I have lusted for since meeting you." Nancy Lasker walked across the street Towards a narrow doorway, to the beat Of a reluctant heart. I could just go, She thought, and hide somewhere. He'll never know Where I went or what became of me. I have ten million dollars. But then she Thought about her promise. It wasn't right. She won because of him. And then a light Went on inside her head. Oh, yes, of course! She'd marry him and then get a divorce! Simple! She'd keep her promise and her life By being but a momentary wife! She had money enough to pull it off. And if he got some, well, he'd earned it. Oft We think of ways to have our cake and eat it, Or, perhaps, to take the rap and beat it. Nancy fairly flew right up the stairs And waited in a dressing room, her cares Suspended in the glare of her idea. And then " knock! knock! -- the fateful hour was here! She opened the door to a huge, well-lighted room. Far away was her tuxedo'd groom Smiling 'mid a crowd of cheering fans, TV cameras, flashes, two brass bands Playing "Here Comes the Bride" as down the aisle She walked alone, too amazed to smile, Until joined by her former scruffy beggar, Now all spruced up and shaved. Even better, She recognized the handsome man who offered Her his arm as none but Simon Crawford! Twenty-one million watched as they got married. Twenty-one million watched them as he carried Her into their penthouse suite and closed the door. Twenty-one million then imagined more: Sheer heaven! Fantasy made real! As she Reaped the reward for her morality. So ends my tale, with Nancy in the sack, Earning a large fortune on her back. Of course it ended in divorce, though both Knew well what their dear partner wanted most: Someone who found joy in others' joy, So mutually each might the other buoy. But knowing isn't doing, and neither did, Both finally finding joy in getting rid Of the other, as so very often is The ending of beginnings such as this. Which brings me to my moral: Do not be Too dependent on morality. For love too often winds up just for show, While money is the one sure good we know. |
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